Have you ever been in so much pain you wished you were dead? Can you comprehend that type of depression that kind of never ending pain that it made you feel better of dead than alive? Dealing with chronic debilitating pain can often cause this kind of deep depression. At my worst I was just in so much pain a few years back due to year and half long horrible horrible flare up of my RA. I remember laying in bed just crying and crying till I couldn't cry anymore. Then like numbness came over my emotions and it was the deepest sadness I've ever experienced in my life.
Living with RA or any type of chronic pain condition is extremely hard and getting the disease under control can be very difficult as well. There is no one medicine to help with RA pain,swelling and stiffness. Everyone is different. The meds to treat the disease are very harsh and I wonder sometimes if they are worse than the condition it's treating.
Living with that kind of deep depression is scary. I'm not suicidal but I can't say I've never begged God to let me die so I didn't have to live like this for the rest of my life. It's so easy to let the pain rule your life. I'm just thankful for my husband who is my strength and loving parents that help anyway they can. I also am blessed with wonderful in laws. I'm very thankful for my online RA group. I find it extremely helpful to surround myself with others that really get what your going through. For that I'm extremely grateful! Thank you my friends,parents,in laws and most of all my husband for never allowing me to give up!!
I'm currently in that place... that deepest sadness wishing i was dead just to make the pain stop. It helps so much reading your blogs. Fighting this monster really is constant battle. You sure hit the emotional ride on the mark with this one! Thank you... for saying out loud what's in my head.
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